Is It Love or Is It Addiction? Part II
WHAT IS LOVE
We don’t find love by chasing after it; we simply open our hearts and find it within us.
—Charlotte Kasl
In my last blog I defined addictive love with the promise I would describe it and love in more detail. To get to a better understanding of addictive love, we must first understand what love is and is not.
What Love is Not:
It is not dependency
It is not a mere feeling
It is not a mental construct
It is not a behavior
It is not a role
It is not romance
It is not a set of biochemical responses
It is not sex
It is not a commodity
It is not something we earn
It is not something we learn
It is not dependent on an object
It is not limited
It is not a neat little package
And, it is not a relationship
What Love Is
Of all the mysteries that enchant us, love may be the one most sought after. Don’t assume that because you are in a relationship you are in love. We can be in what we call a love relationship and experience little or no love at all. Anyone in a bad relationship understands this. Think of a relationship as a neutral place that provides the opportunity to experience love or to not experience it. Love is perfect. Humans are not. When perfect and imperfect meet, the result is pain, frustration, confusion, disappointment. It seems we were given the commandment “You shall love”, and then dumped on earth trusting we would be shown how to find it and express it. Some days frantic, some days tranquil, we limp through life never giving up on love’s promise.
But what is love? Love is a word we have given to an enormous power that is at our fingertips and all we need do is plug in. Science is now confirming what the mystics and poets have been telling us all along. Love is an energy, has a resonance we can measure, and its supply is endless. Love does not care what you look like, what you believe, whether you are married or single, sinner or saint. In fact you do not need to be in a relationship to experience love. To test that, stop here and think of something or someone you are exceedingly grateful for and stay with that feeling. You probably felt a warm sensation in your heart. If you did, that is love.
We started out in life being open to love. But most of us, in a moment of intimacy, got hurt or felt betrayed. We felt a pain in our heart and our heart, being a muscle, began to recoil. Though we may want to put out or receive love, our hearts may literally be too up-tight to do so. We are all a bit love disabled, veterans of a war we did not know we were in. Too much of life is lost to safeguarding, calculating, planning, searching or waiting for love—all signs of love addiction.
We must not confuse the power of love with sentimentality or physical love. It is far greater. Whereas addictive love makes us sick, true love nourishes us and others. It improves the immune system, increases life expectancy, reduces depression, produces zestful children, and induces feelings of calm. Love is the cheapest medicine there is and there is no end to its supply. Putting love into our love life is choice.
Though many of the things I mention ‘love is not’, in a healthy relationship we do bring loving behaviors, feelings and thoughts into it. And there are many ways we experience love: the blazing passion of Eros, the profound, non-erotic love of Agape, the personal romantic love story of Amour, and the selfless love of Compassion. When you experience all four of these in a relationship, it is a little bit of heaven.
Love is in your relationship when it:
is ‘green and growing’
feels safe
is free from ego-driven expectations and outcomes
shares power
brings out the best in self and other
is vital and alive
has abundant healthy bonding
gives from the heart
is emotionally honest
celebrates the positives in the other
settles differences with objectivity and compassion
has integrity
is congruent—words and actions match
has three entities: an “I” a “You”, and a “We”
has healthy boundaries
cares with detachment
accepts differences and limitations
accepts and respects commitment
has realistic views of sex and romance
is willing to make amends and to forgive
Remember, most relationships have elements of both love and love addiction. Assess your relationship for the above. Practice more of what is there and work to develop what is not there. And if you need to, “fake it till you make it”. Or, reach out for help.
Steven and Lynn’s Story
“What is love?” I asked them in a therapy session.
“Well, I really don’t know…. I mean I never really answered this question before,” Steven replied. “I don’t know if I can describe it, but I know when I’m in it. There have been many times in the past when I thought I knew love but was mistaken. It was all about the hype and chemistry. The way it shows up in our relationship is a meeting of two minds, a connection, a deep friendship as well as physical attraction. I guess it’s that feeling of closeness, even in the quiet. Mostly though it’s that safe feeling I have to be myself when I’m with Lynn. Before, I never felt safe to be me and so I hid my thoughts and stuffed my feelings. I was told I was ‘bad’ as a kid and I bought into it. I was scared to death of being found out and rejected. I know I might get rejected by Lynn, but I have no control over her half of the relationship. Only mine. Oh, it might break my heart for a while if she leaves. But I have one determined spirit now. And after many bad relationships and a lot of soul searching (and therapy) I finally stopped looking outward and found myself and like who I found.”
“No one has asked me this so directly and it’s important to figure it out given our relationship histories,” Lynn answered. “Love seems much bigger than our relationship. Like Steven, I have never felt as safe as I do in this relationship. When I feel safe, love just wants to pour out of me. I don’t quite understand it. And that poured-out love nourishes both him and me. The relationship just keeps growing. Yet, I still feel scared of getting hurt again and when I do, I can literally feel my heart shutting down. It happens automatically. But knowing this tension in my heart comes from my past history of abuse seems to calm me. I relax and open up my heart again. What I learned from my past is that relationships are not the problem; they are the places that reveal the problem. They are our teachers. Relationships are not love but a place we get to experience it or not. Showing love is really choice. But a hard one because I have to let down my guard and I never know what might happen. So, I guess I have not answered your question directly, have I?”
“You have done a great job contemplating the question,” I responded. “Keep working on it. Knowing what love is and is not is often trial and error. Love addiction is based on fear; love is based on trust. I truly believe that if your intention is to create a safe environment so you can live with an open heart and are willing to take responsibility for the history you bring to the relationship and take care of it, your relationship will thrive.”
This is adapted from Love’s Way by Dr. Brenda Schaeffer.