How Trauma Impacts Our Life Scripts

No sooner do we begin to know other people than we discover their broken heart. - Jacob Needleman

Trauma refers to an event or series of events that cause psychological or emotional harm to an individual. Understanding its forms, symptoms, and impact can help us begin the healing process. Trauma, particularly childhood trauma, does not have to be extreme to have an impact.

Four types of Trauma*

·         Trauma of Omission is subtle, often overlooked, and refers to when our emotional, physical, or developmental needs are not met because of neglect, circumstances, or lack of knowledge.

·         Trauma of Commission is less subtle, common, and refers to times when things are said and done to us as children that never should have been said or done—name calling, harsh punishments, shaming.

·          Shock Trauma is less common and refers to a time when we experience an unusual event we are not prepared for nor have control over—death of a parent, a serious illness, witnessing a violent act in the family, bullying.

·         Post-Traumatic Stress is the most serious and occurs when we experience a catastrophic life event out of our control—kidnapping, rape, war atrocities, witness to a murder, a natural disaster.

In both Shock and PTSD, we are catapulted into another reality so rapidly that our psyche cannot make sense of it and floods us emotionally. Many responses occur.

Trauma Responses 

·         efforts to numb or block out feelings

·         ignoring the trauma by splitting off (dissociating)

·         profound sense of shame or survivor guilt

·         alarm reactions: flashbacks, hypervigilance, troubling dreams, insomnia

·         need for high arousal experiences to feel alive or avoid unpleasant feelings

·         depriving self especially around success or out of guilt

·         re-enactment of trauma or projecting past onto the present

·         dysfunctional attachments or conflictual ties with people

·         difficulty trusting self, others, or life itself 

·         anxiety and depression

Life Script Formation

It is not our fault that we were traumatized, and we could not help but be impacted. When a child’s needs are not realized, when cruel words are said, when a child finds herself alone in a traumatic moment, the child feels helpless or abandoned. Not having the perceived power or words to stand up for herself, a loss of trust sets in. In the language of transactional analysis, the child inside of us makes important decisions and comes to certain conclusions:

·         “My feelings and needs don’t matter” 

·         “It’s not safe to be close”

·         “I’m not important”

·         “I must be bad”

·         “People disappoint me” 

·         “Life is scary”

·         “I will never trust again”

A life script is set in motion. This personal unconscious plan has a beginning, a middle, and a predictable ending. And that ending will support our core beliefs and life decisions unless we uncover and change them.

In Is It Love or Is It Addiction? I state that trauma results in a violation of trust, the base foundation of healthy relationships and life itself. Our instinct is to want connections and success but because of trust violations we also fear the very thing we desire. Childhood trauma, if unresolved, can impair our esteem or will lead us to intimacy disorders such as love addiction.

The stories that follow speak to the four types of trauma, the formation of life script, and how each person’s trauma and script fed off the other.

Lindsay’s Story

I unknowingly married a man who was prone to having affairs. Furious when this came out, I blamed many of our relationship problems on him. He broke the trust; he had to change. Then I began to blame myself and saw his actions as a statement about me. I was the one who felt unimportant, unattractive, and stupid. And though I could justify these thoughts via Kevin’s actions, I couldn’t stop them even when our relationship started to heal. They were deep. I finally got help. My therapist suggested I look at what was going on inside of me that kept getting triggered in the relationship.

As I got into my story, I realized that my past experience was the filter through which I viewed myself and Kevin. I really thought I had a good childhood. Then I started to remember. I remembered being ignored and feeling lonely. I remembered being verbally abused by my older brother. When I asked my parents for help, they blew it off. I decided that what my brother said about me must be true.

The feelings I had back then were exactly what I felt when I learned about the affairs. Every time we had an argument, in my mind I heard Kevin saying, “Lindsay you are stupid” or “Your opinion isn’t important to me.”  I would take it one step further and hear “And I am going to leave you for someone who is more attractive than you.” I had been working hard to change Kevin to be the partner that would affirm what my family did not affirm. I realized I had to heal my trauma, and I had to believe in my importance, intelligence, and beauty.

Kevin’s Story

I didn’t know I had a problem until I realized I married the woman I loved, but I couldn’t stop my affairs. Going into recovery was the condition of Lindsay staying in the marriage. At first, I took the brunt of the problems in our relationship because I broke trust. But after being in therapy for a year, I realized we both brought stuff from the past to our relationship. I hate to admit to the cliché, but Lindsay did remind me of my mother. Though she didn’t say it aloud, I heard her saying “You are really bad.”

I went headlong into my trauma history. I had a tough time feeling anything in life except excitement, but I thought this was a guy thing. But I had been shut down for years. As I got into my ‘script’ I started to remember things and emotions I didn’t know I had —terror, rage, grief. I shook and teared up when I remembered when I was forced to watch my dad beat my brother and I couldn't do anything to stop it. I remembered my mother tying me to bed for hours. I was terrified, but then I went somewhere else in my mind and shut down my feelings.

Such experiences led me to believe that I was bad and that my feelings didn’t matter. Waiting for Lindsay to magically rescue me proved futile. Her trauma collided with mine. There has always been legitimate love in our relationship but there was also a hidden need to fix our wounds. Of course, we did not know this. Now we talk about our triggers when we recognize them, and we are learning to appreciate the little boy and little girl in each of us who has a story to tell.

Excerpts from Is It Love or Is It Addiction? Third Edition

*The first three types of trauma are my personal descriptions and may be in the diagnostic manual under different headings. PTSD is in the DSM 5 diagnostic manual.