Love That Lasts: Essential Skills to Transform Your Relationship
Love is a canvas furnished by nature and embroidered by imagination. ~ Voltaire
At a certain point in our relationships, we need to stop looking at the negative aspects of it and focus on what we can do right versus what we do wrong. We can change our focus and start giving from the best part of who we are. And I am not suggesting we deny problems but if we have experienced the best in another person and them us, we will naturally begin to solve problems or communicate with more caring, respect, and trust. In my couple therapy, I often use the Life Script* (a Transactional Analysis theory) to help each person improve their understanding of themselves and how to better communicate with their partner.
Here are some skills that put more heart into a relationship.
1. Do what you see lacking in the relationship and unconditionally: if you feel ignored, give attention to your partner; if you want a back rub, offer to give one; if you want excitement, be exciting; if you want support, be supportive.
2. Let your partner know the ways he/she encourages your growth and express appreciation for the good things your partner gives to you and the relationship or family.
3. Commit to positive change (and stop trying to change the other). Own your unhealthy habits or shortcomings that negatively impact the relationship and let your partner know what you will change. (You secretly know that you are, like others, humanly imperfect).
4. Make amends. When you have hurt your partner with words or actions, own it, and apologize from the heart (from regret and remorse vs from shame and guilt)
5. Make giving special. Each person makes a list of ten things he/she would value receiving from your partner. Exchange the lists and once a week choose something on the list and spontaneously give it.
6. Create rituals, repetitive actions or activities that provide a sense of security and affirm the importance of your bond. If you do not have one, create one.
7. Create private time. True emotional closeness blooms when individuals have uninterrupted time to share feelings, thoughts, dreams, play, affection. A rule of thumb: an hour of positive emotional closeness a day keeps troubles away.
8. Nourish the relationship: express appreciation and thanks; give without expectations; learn to really listen; practice flexibility; accept disappointment; manage conflict without hostility; accept reality; let go of expectations.
The following is a story that describes how the sharing of these skills transformed her relationship. But as the story indicates, this did not occur naturally. She and her partner both took time to work on themselves and explored their personal Life Script before they were able to share these readily. If you find these behaviors difficult to do, perhaps it is time to find out why.
Kerry ‘s Story
When we first saw a couple’s counselor, I was a bit miffed when after seeing me and Dan three times, she asked us to take time to do individual therapy so we could each learn what we brought to the relationship. She called it a “Life Script.” Since we seemed to get nowhere in couples’ sessions and focused more on what was wrong with the other, we agreed to it. Change and insight did not happen overnight, but it did happen.
Getting into our story, or Life Script, was quite a trip. We were shocked to learn how many traumas we had and how they got triggered in the relationship. We learned that neither of us had good self-esteem before we met and that’s why we personalized about everything our partner said or did.
But since this story is about improving relationships, let us say that we both stayed in therapy long enough to have good insight into ourselves and we were ready to bring what we learned into couple work. I was nervous because it had not gone well before. Emotional intimacy had been a challenge for both of us and the drama had filled the void and kept us connected, as negative as it had been.
By digging into our stories, we realized how few healthy relationship skills we had. We were trying to solve a 100-piece puzzle with a hand full of the pieces, and some pieces were not even healthy. We were now open to learning new relationship skills and put them in our relationship bank.
Hearing Dan affirm me instead of criticizing me was amazing. Making sincere amends when we hurt the other with words and actions was healing. Not a curt ‘I am sorry’ but to hear a genuine ‘What I said or did to you was mean and you did not deserve that.’ Wow.
We took time each week to talk about what went right and what we appreciated about the other. We also had a conflict resolution agreement so we could safely bring up hard subjects and take turns talking while the other one listened. And when things got heated, we took a break with the understanding we would come back when we were in a better place to hear each other.
There were other things that helped rebuild trust and closeness. When Dan went out of town for work or meetings, I would write him a note that was not to be opened until he arrived at his destination. He did one wonderful thing for me each week. These little gestures had big results. We learned that what each wanted from the other was vastly different. We became more realistic in our expectations and understood that we had unique personalities and life experiences and accepted those differences. We made special time for the relationship and learned that sincere giving was as fulfilling as receiving.
There was a new kind of love emerging, a love that said, “I am not perfect, but I am willing to continue growing to become the best partner I can be.” “I am willing to look at my behaviors and how they affect you.” And this is a love that will last.**
*A Life Script comes from Transactional Analysis theory, and it refers to an unconscious life plan that has a beginning, a middle and a predictable ending and that, according to the late Eric Berne, MD., decides who we will love and how we will love.
**Adapted from Is It Love or Is It Addiction? by Brenda Schaeffer